The Christmas Sweater

This post will probably be the most selfish, just for me post that I will hopefully ever write.

I have not been happy. 

Now don't get me wrong, I've most definitely had my happy moments, happy days, and happy times. But when I am alone, just by myself, my smile has been gone. This has been a very strange experience for me for the past little while. I haven't known what to do. I was able to be completely happily myself in the happy moments, but in the quiet moments I just didn't understand why I wasn't happy. 

Today, I figured it out.

I figured it out, because I spent all today reading this book.

This is the first book that I have EVER cried while reading. Maybe it's because my emotions were running high, maybe it's because the book is amazing, maybe it's because I'm weird, but this book is the first to ever make me cry. It has some really deep profound stuff in it. Some stuff I really needed to hear.

There's one part that talks about a storm...

"I can't. I'll just wait until it passes, I'm safe here."

"Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing that you are worthy of the trip."

"Am I worthy?"

"Yes. Unquestionably, irrevocably yes."

"Does everyone have to go through the storm?"

"Yes, sooner or later. But no one has ever been lost to the storm, just lost in it. 

What most people don't realize is that you don't have to fight the storm,

 you just have to stop feeding it; stop giving it power over you."

"Will there be other storms?"

"Yes. Unquestionably, irrevocably yes."

"What if next time I'm too afraid?"

"Remember, no one who has passed through the storm has ever regretted the journey. 

No one ever stands here and wishes to go back to the other side."

I have been lost in my storm. A storm I have created for myself. But luckily, I haven't lost to it. In fact, after tonight, I'm pretty sure I will be coming out of it. In fact, I think I already am, because as I type this, I'm smiling. And it's a smile that's purely for me. Because guess what, right now, I'm happy. 

I plan on keeping it that way.

Will there be other storms? Of course, and I very well know there will be. But guess what world? I think I'm ready for them now. I have family, I have friends, and most of all, I have me. And nobody but me can keep me truly happy. I am making changes so that I can stay happy too. Am I happy?

Yes. Unquestionably, irrevocably yes.