Stream of Consciousness

This will not be a fancy blog post. 

I don't want to put in the effort. 

Sucks for you, reader.

         My life has no structure. Okay, that's a lie, it has some. But probably not as much as it should. Definitely not as much as it could. It started with districts. I couldn't get my lazy butt to work on it at all. My last year, and there I was, memorizing my solo the night before. Why did I do that to myself? I wanted to do SO good this year, it's my last for heaven's sake! I went to districts seriously unprepared. As I sat in my first round, I considered giving up. I actually considered giving up, calling quits, and leaving the competition. But I didn't. My first time ever performing my solo was my first round at competition. To quote Hermione, "What. An. Idiot." But I went through with it. You miss 100% of the chances you don't take, so I took it. Good thing I did. I'm going to State with all three of my pieces. What a lucky break. A judge came up to me and told me that she went to my coach and everything, figured out my name, just so she could find me and tell me that I should go pro. She said that she's been judging these competitions for a while now and that every once in a while there's a gem, and I was that gem. That I was very professional and should never stop what I'm doing. If only she knew what I was really like. She wouldn't have praised me so much. Anyway. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just typing whatever comes. I had a wonderful Skype chat the other day. Worrying about my life looming ahead of me, I confessed to this friend that I felt like my whole life I've been on a train just following the tracks. These tracks have taken me all the way through high school, but off in the distance I can see the end of the tracks coming. If my train doesn't turn into a plane, I'll crash. Maybe my train will turn into a plane, but I don't know where it's flying. And if I don't know where to fly, I'm going to crash. I don't want to crash. If my train doesn't turn into a plane, I'll crash. If my plane doesn't know where it's going, I'll crash. I'm going to crash. I'm freaking out. But my friend said something that helped put me at ease, there's a reason for train stations. My train is going to stop, yes, but that doesn't mean it's going to crash.  It will stop, and I will simply get off and have to choose which plane to get on. And if I take the wrong flight, I can simply get off and correct my path. It's not permanent. I can change it. "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." There's no reason I should have to choose one and stick with it always. I can still be the captain of my soul without having to go down with the ship like a captain should. I'm not captaining many, only me. And as the captain of me, I am my own vessel. And in order to keep this vessel from going down, I may have to abandon others. Back to planes, if it's going the wrong way for me, I can get off and change course. She really helped to put my mind at ease with all this graduating nonsense coming up. Thank you. I'm so lazy, I'm not even making paragraphs. I'm becoming one of those lame people who aspire to do so much, but are too lazy to actually do it, so they sit there and dream about what they want without ever putting in the effort. Example? I want a 4.0 really bad, but here I am instead of doing my homework. Procrastination. Whichever ancestor gave me that gene is in a whole lot of trouble when I die. I don't even know what I'm saying, but I hate that I procrastinate. Whoops, I just realized I procrastinated something for tomorrow and I'm going to completely let someone I care about down. There's too much to do, I can never remember it all. And when I finally do, it's either the last second I could have possibly pushed it to, or already too late. I've got to change that. I hate that about myself. I guess the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem? "I am ugly and I am proud!" Spongebob reference. I'm strange. I'm surprised you've read this far. Kudos to you. Or maybe you're like me and have nothing better to do. Scratch that, if you're like me, that means you have thousands of better things you could be doing but still find yourself here. Let's just hope you aren't like me. I should get off, but I won't. Too much on my mind and I'm only skimming the surface here. In PEP, we used to do this thing called Stream of Consciousness or something. Basically, she just gave us a time limit, and within that time we had to continuously write what we were thinking. No stopping, just writing exactly what comes to mind, even if that meant you were just writing the words, "I can't think of what to write." Mine gradually went from something like, "I can't think of what to write so I'm just writing that because I really can't think of anything and I've gotta reach the time and my hand hurts but I can't stop even though I can't think of anything", to actual thoughts. Whatever was on my mind. Whatever I could dig out of my mind. No stops, just a long run-on sentence of items from my brain. I feel like that's what this is. I should change the title to Stream of Consciousness, but I won't. No effort, remember? Actually, you know what, I will. And I did. I don't even know if I'm even using that phrase in the right way, but I don't care. I already made the effort to change the title, I'm not going to spend more energy on looking up the definition. I'm so lazy. And I've gone on long enough. I'm done. I don't have any cool wrap-ups or anything. Not this time. My life has no structure. This post has no structure. We're done here.